| Script |
Listen |
Joey: Is that the fire alarm?
Chandler: Yeah....oh that's not warm yet, we still have time
Joey: Cool |
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Monica: So I've got a new plan now.....babies
Chandler: Well you're going to need much bigger jars |
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Joey: If I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm going to do?
Chandler: Bend over? |
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Joey: The tough thing is she really wants to have sex with me
Chandler: Crazy bitch |
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| Chandler: Oh no, two women love me...they're both georgeous and sexy...
my wallet is too small for my $50's and my diamond shoes are too tight! |
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Chandler: Gum would be perfection?
Gum would be perfection!
Could've said gum would be nice
Could've said I'll have a stick
But no no no no, for me, gum is perfection.
I loath myself. |
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| Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday
you'd be staring at the business end of a hissyfit. |
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Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: I had seen this thing on the Discovery channel.
Ross: Wait a minute...I saw that, on the discovery channel...yeah about jelly fish
and how if you...ewwwwww....you peed on yourself?! |
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| Monica: Honk honk.
Chandler: Wow, it's like porno for clowns. |
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| Chandler: Yeah, it's easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting
some reject from the Mr. T collection. I pitty the fool that puts on my jewelry...I do, I do...
I pitty the fool that... |
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Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leafblower picked up. |
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Ross: So does it do anything...you know...special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross, preshing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the
magical land of narnia. |
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Joey: Men are here. We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back. |
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Chandler: Where's Joey, his mom is on the phone?
Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you want to go in there!
Chandler: Oh come on, we're roommates.....Ahhhhhhhhh!! My eyes! My eyes! |
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| Chandler: Uh oh, it's Isaac Newton and he's pissed. |
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Janice: You love me Chandler Bing
Chandler: Oh no I don't. |
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Monica: There's nothing to tell...it's just some guy I work with.
Joey: Come on, you're going out with the guy, there has to be something wrong with him
Chandler: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hair piece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? Just because I don't want her to go through what I
went through with Carl. |
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| Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone. |
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Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard, I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend.
Chandler: He's really picky about his patients. |
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| Chandler: Then I will get more snakes, call them my babies, kids won't walk by my
place, they will run...run away from crazy snake man they will shout! |
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Rachel: Guys, guess what, guess what, guess what!
Chandler: Ah, ok. The fifth dentist caved and now they are all recommending trident? |
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Ross: Why isn't that laser beem cutting through the paint?
Chandler: It's the miricle wax!
Joey: It certainly is a miricle. |
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Rachel: Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
Chandler: What? What?!
Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
Chandler: Alright, alright. |
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| Chandler: Why, why, why, why, why, why would they do this? |
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Joey: Was that the oven timer?
Chandler: That's right my friends...it's time for...
Both Joey and Chandler together: Baywatch! |
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Mr. Gellar: There she is
Chandler: it ate Monica
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds
Chandler: Oh, so how many cameras are actually on you? |
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| Chandler: Alright, I took the quiz and it turns out I do put career before men. |
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Joey: Hey, what are we going to do for dinner?
Chandler: Well, we could stay in and cook for ourselves.
Chandler and Joey: (Laughing) |
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Phoebe: It's so pretty, this must of cost him a fortune.
Rachel: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on Ross, don't you remember back in college when he fell in love with
Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: Crystal duck!
Rachel: No, no, no the love part...oh my God
Chandler: Oh no no no no no!
Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head, that will turn back time.
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Taylor: How long do you want the cuffs?
Chandler: Oh, at least as long as I have the pants |
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Chandler: You and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date
Ross: Nuh uh
Chandler: Yeah huh. |
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| Chandler: Alright, now go see Miss Kitty and she'll hook you up with a nice hooker |
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| Chandler: Yes, indeedio |
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| Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that. |
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Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No, but don't worry, I'm sure they're still there |
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| Chandler: Ok, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance! |
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| Phoebe: Stop being so testosteroni.
Chandler: Which by the way is the real San Francisco treat. |
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| Clip 1 from "Fools Rush In" |
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| Clip 2 from "Fools Rush In" |
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